by Mike McKeown
It’s probably not a surprise to you to realize that a good healthy sex life is important. In fact, it matters quite a lot! As boys, we grew up believing that we were supposed to be sexual experts. Which is funny since no one really wanted to talk about it very much. When I was growing up, scoring, competing, achieving, hunting and winning were inclinations that all men had but no one really explained what we were supposed to do with them. Hollywood movies, TV shows and internet porn all serve to further enhance these notions of male sexual prowess. (And people wonder why we are where we are in the current societal crackdown on certain behaviors from men in positions of power!)
But the reality is that when it comes to love “it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.” Love and passion are not about winning, losing, or scoring. They’re about connecting and intimacy. THIS is what is most satisfying.
Despite what screenwriters and directors might want you to think, good sex does not just happen magically because two people are exceptionally pretty or are ‘meant to be.’ The secret is that it must be made to happen. Good sex involves a deliberate choice to connect and communicate with your spouse on a whole new level. When we make the mistake of believing that great sex just happens, it becomes very easy to fall into marital indifference. It’s too easy to assume that it’s just not right or it just won’t happen. Both spouses must be committed to keeping sexual love alive within the marriage or it just won’t happen.
Another reality check is that sexual needs are changing. Though there is more discussion about certain issues due to social media, fewer men are seeking help for things like premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction. (You would think with our ‘enlightened’ new society there would be more men looking for help with these issues but in many cases, there’s a bigger stigma about them. Again, social media has made them more of a joke with memes and discussions and this doesn’t allow men to truly explore the issues they are having with them.) One upside to this openness though, is that men are beginning to seek help for achieving intimacy within the relationship. When dealt with properly, this one communication issue within a relationship can open the door for other issues to be discussed and worked through with great success.
Great sex does take work, but it is also meant to be fun. God intended for sex to be pleasurable for both partners – not work! With that idea in mind, do not be afraid to try new things with each other. Playful resistance, teasing, surprising, laughing, and experimenting can bring a deeper level of intimacy and pleasure for both partners. I always encourage couples to discuss this aspect of their relationship more openly. “Enjoy the life with the woman whom you love all the days of your fleeting life which He has given to you under the sun; for this is your reward in life.” Ecclesiastes 9:9 If that means one of you enjoys dressing up like Batman and chasing the other around with squirt guns, go for it. (I’m a huge proponent of naked squirt gun battles!)
It’s interesting, but a lot of times this is a topic that men and women don’t really like to discuss. So, if you need a little guidance in that area, I’d recommend Married Guys Guide to Great Sex. In this book from Tyndale, two therapists with decades of experience in the area of sexuality, expound on how to make a relationship fun and fulfilling without feelings of guilt. (Why is there guilt in sex within a marriage relationship? Well, think about how we all grew up. Stay away from sex! You can’t enjoy it! It’s not a good thing outside marriage! And then all the sudden – BOOM! It’s okay. It’s good. Enjoy it! Not everyone makes that transition easily!) This book is an excellent resource in that it teaches men how to develop greater awareness of the sexual needs of their wives. It centers on the concept that a a great sexual relationship occurs overtime with respect, trust, and communication.
Not only is this a good book for anyone in a marital relationship who want to get more out of their sex life, but it can be an excellent resource for those who are engaged and soon to be married.